Sometimes You Want To Wallow In Your Sadness
“I’m sure glad THAT year is over,” they said
“Boy, that was a rough year,” they said
“I hope this year is a better year,” they said
As if a year were a tangible thing
As if a year were something we could hold in our hands
As if a year were something we could give back and take a different one, instead
It really WAS a rough year
Suppose I could slice-and-dice it
There were parts I would take out and toss on Mt. Trashmore
There were parts I would remove from my mind
Never to be thought of again
But there were also times that elevated my spirit
There was a time that took me out of myself to an unknown place
And left tears streaking down my face from a joy I have never known
Speechless, blubbering incoherently
I cannot break up the year, though
I cannot take the good bits and delete the rest
I cannot even pretend the miseries never happened, as I am still recovering from them
That year is a single, indivisible, intangible, invisible whatever-it-is
I get all of it, or I get none of it, so I took it all
So I have it still, even though it is over
THAT year was the year I got cancer
I was never going to get cancer, but I got cancer
It was a tiny little thing, but it was in the back of my eye
It had to come out, NOW, the doctor said
So the tumor came out, and so did the cloudy lens,
And now, with a miraculous new lens
I can see oh so clearly
I am a survivor
THAT year was also the year I had to have my hip replaced
Congenital dysplasia, the doctor said
I was never going to get my hip replaced, but I got my hip replaced
The pain was the determining factor
I endured it as long as I could, until I couldn’t
I am becoming bionic
THAT year was the year of the evacuation
Two days in Hell’s own traffic jam
And that damned storm kept her eye on us and followed us all the way to Tennessee
And hit us where we hid
But while there we passed time in Nashville and Chattanooga
And that was fun
But it was followed by two more days in traffic
And that was not fun
THAT year was also the year of the big total solar eclipse
On my lady’s birthday
For a present I gifted her with a total eclipse of the sun
In South Carolina, front row, longest duration
Nice move, right?
Yet, it moved me planes beyond anything I expected
The moon opened a hole in the sun that led to infinity
And it sucked me right in
There aren’t words...
THAT year brought some additional gifts to myself
A new car after ten years, all bright and shiny
Replete with bells and whistles
Economical, reliable, fun, and pretty to boot
There is also the new apartment with an even better view than I had before
The window wall directs my gaze over the pool, over the “recreational corridor”
Over the dunes, over the beach, and over the ocean
To that place of myth where the sun shakes itself free of the sea
In a spray of golden droplets by morning
And the Moon chases after by night dripping silver
THAT year has taught me to count myself among the blessed, after all
But sometimes you want to wallow in your sadness
(March 2018)
Bio
Ron Feldheim has studied, promoted, and taught the Edgar Cayce Readings for over thirty years. Beginning with the formation of the Miami Council in 1980, Ron’s focus has been on organizing and developing local field programs. Ron expanded his role as a field volunteer when the Miami and Palm Beach Councils later merged to form the Gold Coast Team. At this same time, A.R.E. Headquarters chartered the Southeast Region, and Ron was invited to join the Region Core Team of active volunteers. He then became the first Chairman of the Region’s Management Team, and after a six-year stint developed the position of Retreat Coordinator. He has been a member of two A Search For God Study Groups.
Currently residing in Miami Beach, he is Area Team Coordinator and just completed a one-year term as Chairman of the Region’s Management Team. Ron is a speaker, writer, healer, and intuitive. Ron’s professional career has been in Clinical Microbiology and Information Technology.